When living abroad fails to deliver...

This column appeared in The Guardian on 24 February 2006

There's nothing more annoying than expat Brits who spend their time whinging about the way things aren't the same as at home. My response is: "If you don't like living in a foreign country, why don't you go back home?"

On the other hand, there are some Spanish bureaucracies that drive even locals to despair. Try walking into a bar miserably muttering, "Telefonica". Every drinker will join in with a horror story about the former telephone monopoly.

It often feels as if Telefonica is run by the bastard offspring of a Spanish dictator and a Russian author, a sort of "Franco Kafka". For instance, soon after I arrived in Ibiza I ordered ADSL and was told a modem would be delivered in a few days. Two weeks later I phoned to see what had happened. Apparently the courier couldn't find my address. This wasn't surprising because, according to Telefonica's computer system, I lived in the local unmanned telephone exchange.

At this point I should admit my conversations with Telefonica have not been in Spanish. One of the good things about the company is you can get straight through to an English-speaking operator. Well almost straight through. You have to know it's necessary to listen to two menus in Spanish before carefully over-pronouncing "ingles".

Mind you, that's easier than Telefonica's mobile service Movistar. After a few attempts you feel proud to have got through Catalan and Basque to get a menu option in English. Then it jumps back into Spanish for what I now know is an instruction to press the cuadradillo (hash key) to confirm.

Anyway, after several weeks, despite many calls to Telefonica, I still didn't have my equipment. Then, on one of my frequent visits to a local internet cafe, I discovered all Telefonica ADSL customers use the same log-in. All I needed to do was plug in my UK modem. I blush when I remember how excited this discovery made me.

So now I didn't care as months passed without a modem delivery. At least I didn't care until my broadband service suddenly stopped. I phoned Telefonica. The operator said I couldn't have been cut off because I'd never had ADSL. I could, however, order it. Back to square one.

Weeks passed. Eventually another operator told me I could cancel my order and go to a Telefonica shop instead. So that's what I did. After annoying the lengthy shop queue with my appalling Spanish I eventually understood it would take up to two weeks for the cancellation to get through the system.

In due course I returned to the shop, filled in the forms and waited to be handed my modem. But no, it had to be delivered to my apartment that was still, according to Telefonica's records, in the telephone exchange. In the end it was a lost courier who saved the day. He asked a local hotel for directions and the receptionist knew me. It had only taken eight months.

I was living on the outskirts of Ibiza's largest town. It can be worse if you live in the country, as a friend discovered. When his line developed a fault he was informed he must provide a number for the engineer to call. As he works from home in a place without mobile reception, this was a little problematic.

He also had broadband, at least until his service was "upgraded". Telefonica told him he was too far away from the exchange to have ever had ADSL. More in anger than expectation he requested a rebate to cover his monthly payments for a service he apparently couldn't receive. It was ignored.

Shortly after this, however, Telefonica allocated his phone number to somebody else. Calls went to whichever house got to the phone first. The situation was only resolved when the new subscriber rescinded their right to the number in writing.

Sometimes I wonder if all this is in some way related to the fact that Telefonica owns Endemol, the TV company behind Big Brother. Are we all housemates in some bizarre experiment to be televised later?