Health bar that was ill-prepared for Ibiza

My Guardian column for June.

Scientists often use fruit flies in experiments because of their simple structure and rapid life cycle. Small businesses in Ibiza could probably perform the same function for economists. Hundreds of new bars, shops and restaurants appear at the start of each summer, most hoping to make enough to survive from a tourist season that lasts perhaps three months. Few will survive their first winter.

Sometimes the reasons for failure are so obvious that it makes you want to scream: "Stop throwing your money away. Lie on the beach, get drunk, squander your cash, but please stop putting so much energy into wasting it."

Even people you'd think would know better make elementary mistakes. I watched one couple blow a substantial nest egg they'd accumulated from previous business ventures trying to run an up-market Indian restaurant. Unfortunately they'd located it in a strip of cheap bars, neon-lit fast-food joints and tacky souvenir shops.

Their problem was a common one. Almost every business here has to either stand out from a host of similar competitors within walking distance, or entice punters out to the sticks.

Earlier this summer I went to a bar that, despite being out of the way, seemed to have a winning proposition. Oxy, I read in a local magazine, had an oxygen bar, alcohol-free natural energy cocktails and music through until 4am.

The combination might sound a little healthy for Ibiza, but despite the island's hedonistic reputation, you can't move for yoga centres, spas and holistic health practitioners. The absence of alcohol also means there's no need for a designated driver.

Three of us arrived a little after midnight one Friday. In the late-night life of Ibiza this is generally peak-time for bars, between eating and going to a club. Of course, not every bar can be full at the same time and there's often a strange unwritten timetable that seems to ensure that crowds will appear at a particular spot at 3am for no obvious reason.

That might have been the case with Oxy, but it seemed unlikely. The only people there were us, the barman and the DJ behind the expensive-looking decks. There was no sign of recently departed customers, nor of the famous oxygen bar. Only a British sense of politeness stopped me dragging the others back to the car in search of somewhere with signs of life.

But I've seen worse places. The bar was decorated with a variety of pieces that were probably found on skips or bought second-hand - the sort of shabby chic that can work if done well or if the bar's busy. This failed on both counts.

I actually felt too embarrassed to start talking to the barman. Something had obviously gone horribly wrong with the business plan and I really didn't want to rub his nose in it. Instead, my wife, Barbara, started talking to him.

It turned out the barman was the owner. He was a French guy with definite hippy inclinations. In typical Ibiza style he'd had the idea for the oxygen bar before he'd checked the cost. Specialist units that deliver metered doses of flavoured gas cost around €7,000, he said. So he decided to test the market for the concept by using a medical oxygen cylinder. He pointed to the corner at what resembled a large bomb covered in Christmas decorations.

There were other problems. A burst of pure oxygen is very relaxing - which tends to make you a little sleepy. That doesn't go down too well in Ibiza where what people want is an energy boost.

Next, he had to contend with new legislation forcing small bars to designate themselves smoking or non-smoking. Oxy followed the vast majority in allowing people to light up. Safety laws, however, prevent smoking when pure oxygen is being used.

The bar's other advertised speciality, energy cocktails, use fresh ingredients. For these you need a rapid turnover and, therefore, plenty of customers. I don't need to explain what's missing from that equation. Finally, our owner decided you couldn't have a bar without alcohol.

So now he's left with a smoky bar in the middle of nowhere, not unlike dozens of others. I'll be interested to see if he's still there next summer.